ConCom by Rory Miller receives high praise for its insightful approach to conflict communication. Readers appreciate Miller's experience-based advice on de-escalating potentially violent situations and navigating social dynamics. The book's breakdown of human behavior into "lizard," "monkey," and "human" brain responses resonates with many. While some find the writing style occasionally disjointed, most consider it a valuable resource for understanding and managing conflicts in various settings, from personal relationships to professional environments.
Conflict responses are subconscious, scripted, and for group benefit
Three brain levels: Lizard, Monkey, and Human
Maslow's Hierarchy influences conflict dynamics
Recognize and abort unhelpful conflict scripts
Set clear boundaries and work from common ground
Reputation and adrenaline management in conflicts
Violence exists on a spectrum of coercion levels
Active listening and tactical apologies defuse conflicts
Predators and survival-level threats require different approaches
Your reactions to conflict are subconscious, scripted, and for the good of the group.
Automatic responses. Our reactions to conflict often occur faster than conscious thought, following predictable patterns or "scripts." These scripts are deeply ingrained and serve evolutionary purposes, primarily aimed at maintaining group cohesion and stability.
Group over individual. While these automatic responses may not always benefit the individual, they generally work to preserve the group's integrity. This can lead to seemingly irrational behaviors, such as staying in dysfunctional relationships or repeating unproductive arguments.
Awareness is key. Recognizing these subconscious patterns is the first step in gaining control over our conflict responses. By understanding that our reactions are often not personal choices but programmed responses, we can begin to consciously choose more effective ways of handling conflicts.
The Lizard is only concerned with survival and outranks the Monkey, so how can there be soldiers?
Lizard brain: survival. The oldest part of our brain, focused solely on immediate survival needs. It reacts instinctively to perceived threats and can override higher-level thinking in life-or-death situations.
Monkey brain: social. This part handles social interactions, status, and group dynamics. It's the source of many emotional responses and can't distinguish between social humiliation and physical danger.
Human brain: rational. The newest part, capable of abstract thought and problem-solving. It's often overridden by the other two in conflict situations.
Understanding these levels helps in:
Recognizing which "brain" is in control during conflicts
Consciously engaging the Human brain for better outcomes
Anticipating others' reactions based on which level they're operating from
You cannot simultaneously ignore problems and solve them.
Needs drive behavior. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs provides a framework for understanding motivations behind conflicts. People operating from different levels of the hierarchy may have vastly different priorities and perceptions.
Safety before self-actualization. Lower-level needs (physiological, safety) must be met before higher-level concerns (belongingness, esteem, self-actualization) can be addressed effectively. This explains why some conflicts seem trivial to outsiders but are crucial to those involved.
Conflict origins matter. Recognizing which level of the hierarchy a conflict stems from can guide appropriate responses:
Survival-level conflicts require immediate, practical solutions
Social-level conflicts often benefit from emotional validation and status considerations
Self-actualization conflicts may involve deeper values and beliefs
If you get hooked, you will find yourself on a script. If you get angry, if you start labeling, if you want to show who is best… you know the signs. You must recognize it and then spit out the hook.
Script awareness. Learn to recognize when you're falling into predictable conflict patterns. Common signs include:
Emotional reactions overtaking rational thought
Focusing on winning rather than problem-solving
Using labels or stereotypes to dismiss others
Breaking the cycle. Once you recognize a script, take conscious action to change course:
Take a deep breath and acknowledge your emotional state
Refocus on the actual problem rather than personal feelings
Use "we" language to promote cooperation instead of opposition
Choose your response. Remember that you have options beyond following the script:
Continue the script if it's actually helpful
Switch to a different, more productive script
Abort the script entirely and address the core issue directly
"No" is a complete sentence.
Clear boundaries. Setting and enforcing clear boundaries is crucial in managing conflicts. This involves:
Being explicit about what is and isn't acceptable
Using simple, direct language
Being prepared to enforce stated boundaries
Common ground focus. Instead of dwelling on differences, actively seek areas of agreement or shared experiences. This approach:
Builds rapport and trust
Makes communication easier
Creates a foundation for problem-solving
Cultural considerations. Be aware that boundary-setting and common ground may look different across cultures. Adapt your approach accordingly, and when in doubt, ask for clarification on local norms and expectations.
Resources + Helping Others = Respect
Build positive reputation. Your reputation is based on consistent actions over time, not self-proclamations. Cultivate a reputation for:
Reliability
Fairness
Willingness to help others
Adrenaline awareness. Recognize how adrenaline affects you and others in conflicts:
Men often experience quick spikes and drops
Women tend to have slower builds and longer-lasting effects
Use this knowledge to time difficult conversations and interventions
Resource management. Understand that respect comes from having resources (skills, knowledge, compassion) and using them to benefit others. This "alpha" status is earned through consistent, helpful actions rather than domineering behavior.
The level above yours is bad, the level below yours is weak.
Coercion spectrum. Violence and coercion exist on a continuum, from subtle social pressure to lethal force. The levels, in order:
Nice
Manipulative
Assertive
Aggressive
Assaultive
Lethal
Comfort zones. People tend to be comfortable operating within their usual level and view those above as "bad" while seeing lower levels as "weak." This perception gap can lead to misunderstandings and escalation.
Level-appropriate responses. Recognize which level of coercion you're dealing with and respond accordingly:
Lower levels often require social skills and emotional intelligence
Higher levels may demand physical intervention or de-escalation techniques
Moving up levels (increasing force) is challenging; moving down is easier
Everything in this manual is blatantly manipulative, but here's the deal--all communication is manipulation.
Active listening power. Practice active listening to gather information and build rapport:
Focus intently on the speaker
Paraphrase to ensure understanding
Ask clarifying questions
Acknowledge emotions without judgment
Tactical apologies. Use apologies strategically to defuse tensions:
"I'm sorry you're upset" acknowledges feelings without admitting fault
Follow with "What should we do now?" to refocus on problem-solving
Remember that apologizing often makes you appear mature and reasonable, not weak
Manipulation awareness. Recognize that all communication involves some level of influence or manipulation. The key is using these tools ethically to achieve positive outcomes for all parties involved.
When you deal with social violence as if it were asocial, you unnecessarily hurt people. When you deal with asocial violence as if it were social, you get hurt.
Distinguish threat types. Recognize the difference between social conflicts (status, belonging) and asocial threats (predatory, survival):
Social conflicts follow predictable scripts and rules
Asocial threats don't adhere to social norms or expectations
Social conflict approach:
Use de-escalation techniques
Appeal to shared values or group norms
Seek win-win solutions
Asocial threat response:
Prioritize personal safety
Set and enforce hard boundaries
Be prepared to use appropriate force if necessary
Adaptability is key. Train yourself to quickly assess the nature of a threat and adapt your response accordingly. Misidentifying the type of conflict can lead to ineffective or dangerous reactions.