How to Know a Person

"The thing we need most is relationships. The thing we seem to suck at most is relationships."

Human connection crisis. In recent decades, there has been a profound crisis of connection in society. Depression rates have surged, suicide rates have increased, and loneliness has become epidemic. This breakdown in social relationships has led to widespread emotional pain and social dysfunction.

Need for social skills. The root cause of this crisis is a failure to teach and cultivate basic social and moral skills - the ability to see, understand, and respect other people in their full humanity. We have focused on career preparation at the expense of teaching how to build meaningful connections.

The power of being seen. At the heart of human wellbeing is the need to be truly seen, heard, and understood by others. When people feel invisible or misunderstood, it can lead to profound suffering. Learning to deeply see others and make them feel seen is one of the most important skills we can develop.

"Every epistemology becomes an ethic. The shape of our knowledge becomes the shape of our living; the relation of the knower to the known becomes the relation of the living self to the larger world."

Illuminators vs. Diminishers. There are two ways of perceiving others: as Illuminators or Diminishers. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen, viewing them as objects to be used. Illuminators have a persistent curiosity about others, shining the light of their care and making people feel respected and understood.

Elements of illumination:

• Tenderness - seeing the inner dignity of each person

• Receptivity - being open to others' experiences

• Active curiosity - having an explorer's heart

• Affection - knowing through love and care

• Generosity - seeing the best in others

• Holistic attitude - resisting oversimplification

Moral formation. Learning to illuminate others is a form of moral development. It shapes who we become as people and how we relate to the world. By cultivating illumination, we can become wiser, more compassionate, and more fully human.

"Accompaniment, in this meaning, is an other-centered way of moving through life. When you're accompanying someone, you're in a state of relaxed awareness—attentive and sensitive and unhurried."

Beyond conversation. Accompaniment goes beyond just talking with someone. It involves being present with them as they go about their life, attuned to their experience but not trying to control or direct it.

Key qualities of accompaniment:

• Patience - allowing trust to build slowly

• Playfulness - connecting through shared enjoyment

• Other-centeredness - focusing on their journey, not yours

• Presence - showing up, especially in difficult times

Power of presence. Simply being there for someone, without trying to fix or change them, can be profoundly meaningful. It communicates that you see their inherent worth and are willing to walk alongside them through life's joys and struggles.

"A person is a point of view. Every person you meet is a creative artist who takes the events of life and, over time, creates a very personal way of seeing the world."

Constructing reality. Each person actively constructs their own perception of reality based on their experiences, beliefs, and interpretations. We don't passively take in an objective world, but create our subjective understanding of it.

Life stories. People make sense of their lives by crafting them into coherent narratives. To truly know someone, we need to understand:

• Their characteristic tone of voice

• Who they see as the hero of their story

• The plot they've constructed for their life

• How reliable they are as a narrator

• Their ability to update their story as they grow

Helping shape stories. By listening to people's stories and asking good questions, we can help them gain new perspectives on their lives and construct more empowering narratives. This is a powerful way to support growth and healing.

"A good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at each other. A good conversation is an act of joint exploration."

Beyond small talk. Good conversations go beyond surface-level exchanges to create moments of real connection and insight. They involve mutual exploration, where ideas build upon each other and both parties come away having learned something new.

Key conversational skills:

• Active listening - giving full attention, not just waiting to speak

• Asking good questions - drawing out stories and deeper reflections

• Creating a safe space - allowing vulnerability and honesty

• Following emotional threads - noticing and exploring feelings

• Finding common ground - connecting through shared experiences

• Balancing speaking and listening - creating true dialogue

Practice and mindset. Becoming a skilled conversationalist takes practice and intention. It involves cultivating genuine curiosity about others and a willingness to be present and engaged in the moment.

"Every conversation takes place on two levels: the official conversation and the actual conversation."

Beneath the surface. In difficult conversations, what's explicitly said is often less important than the underlying emotional dynamics. Pay attention to how you're making the other person feel - safe or threatened, respected or disrespected.

Key strategies:

• Understand power dynamics - be aware of social/historical context

• Focus on shared goals - find common ground amid disagreement

• Practice empathetic listening - try to truly understand their perspective

• Address the "conversation about the conversation" - discuss how you're communicating

• Be willing to be vulnerable - share your own struggles and uncertainties

Building bridges. Hard conversations are opportunities to increase understanding across differences. By approaching them with openness and skill, we can create connection where there was previously division.

"Being seen in this way has a tendency to turn down the pressure, offering you some distance from your immediate situation, offering hope."

Empathy as a skill. Empathy isn't just an emotion, but a set of skills that can be developed:

• Mirroring - accurately catching others' emotions

• Mentalizing - understanding why they feel that way

• Caring - knowing how to respond helpfully

Emotional intelligence. Developing "emotional granularity" - the ability to distinguish between subtle emotional states - allows for richer understanding of oneself and others.

Supporting growth. Empathetic people create safe spaces for others to process their experiences and emotions. This can be profoundly healing and growth-promoting, allowing people to see themselves and their situations in new ways.

"All growth is costly. It involves leaving behind an old way of being in the world."

Transformative power of suffering. While painful, suffering can lead to profound growth and transformation. It often forces people to reevaluate their beliefs, priorities, and ways of being in the world.

Key aspects of post-traumatic growth:

• Developing new perspectives on life

• Discovering unexpected personal strength

• Deepening relationships and compassion for others

• Finding new meaning and purpose

Supporting others through suffering. When accompanying someone through hardship, focus on:

• Being present without trying to "fix" things

• Allowing space for grief and difficult emotions

• Helping them construct new meaning from their experiences

• Recognizing and affirming their resilience and growth

"If you want to understand how you rate on these Big Five traits, you can go online and find any number of questionnaires to help you do it. But, when you walk into a party, or sit down with someone at a meeting, you're probably not going to hand them a personality test."

Big Five personality traits. Understanding the core personality dimensions (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism) provides insight into how people tend to think, feel, and behave.

Life tasks. People go through different developmental stages and tasks throughout life:

• Establishing agency and competence

• Forming social identity and relationships

• Consolidating career and purpose

• Developing generativity and wisdom

Seeing the whole person. Recognizing both innate personality tendencies and current life tasks allows for a more nuanced and compassionate understanding of others.

"To see a person well, you have to see them as culture inheritors and as culture creators."

Cultural lenses. Our cultural background profoundly shapes how we see and interpret the world. This includes:

• Values and beliefs passed down through generations

• Historical experiences of our ancestors

• Customs, traditions, and ways of relating

Both inheritance and creation. While we inherit cultural frameworks, we also actively engage with and transform our cultural legacy. Understanding someone involves seeing both how they've been shaped by their culture and how they're reshaping it.

Bridging differences. Recognizing the power of cultural inheritance allows for greater empathy and understanding across cultural divides. It invites curiosity about others' backgrounds and experiences.

"Wisdom isn't knowing about physics or geography. Wisdom is knowing about people."

Wisdom as relational skill. True wisdom isn't about having all the answers, but about knowing how to deeply understand and support others. It involves:

• Creating safe spaces for vulnerability and growth

• Asking insightful questions that promote self-reflection

• Offering perspectives that expand others' understanding

• Recognizing the complexity and potential in each person

Lifelong journey. Developing wisdom is an ongoing process of learning to see others more clearly and compassionately. It requires humility, curiosity, and a willingness to continually grow in understanding.

Impact of wisdom. Wise people have a profound positive impact on those around them. They create environments where others feel truly seen, understood, and empowered to become their best selves.